Birthday thoughts.....

Yesterday was my birthday. Usually I don't think much about birthdays and in fact I try to NOT think about them but this time I couldn't help it. The thoughts I wondered if I would ever have at some point in my life finally appeared and it was a big thud in the chest. Now usually I am "glass is overflowing" kind of person and that is why to think such a thing really bothers me but yet it slithered in there...like a big EWWWWWW. Dare I say it? Do you wonder what it is? Do I have as many years ahead as I do behind me now? Ah....deep breath. We control what we control right? We can do what we can do? right? So much is not up to us so I will just keep loving my life, and my children and my family and look forward to the birthday candles in the future. Sometimes I wonder if everyone knows the real me but that is okay if they don't, those that are truly close always will. I do listen to Pit Bull, LMFAO, Lady Gaga, Pink and a ton of others ...I admit it! I dance around my kitchen and sing and God blessed me with rhythm and I am not afraid to use it. I LOVE to dance. I love to be silly and make people laugh because I love to laugh until I wheeze and cry. I am intense, I am honest and I shoot from the hip. I am so imperfect and I wrestle constantly with the faith in which I was raised. I am not faithless by any means but I have many questions that will not be answered here on earth. I believe in a God who does not seek to segregate, or lay road blocks which many will argue are the rods of iron we are to hold fast too. To some I have shared that I believe that some day we will stand before our Heavenly Father and he will ask "Where did you get that from? When I sent my son to earth to teach what was needed to be done, it was so simple. How did you come up with that?" However if whatever we do draws us closer to our Heavenly Father, makes us better people and gets us closer no matter what faith we follow the I believe we are all on the right path. My greatest strength comes from knowing that my prayers are heard always. I don't always get what I "want" but I always have what I need and that is the comfort of knowing I am heard. So for those that are close to me and wonder where I fit in this world of religion where you may or may not see me at times...there you go. I love you, I love the community, I love what I feel but I also no longer allow myself to feel guilt as there are ebbs and flows of emotion in me. I am who I am. I am prayerful, I am mindful, but I joke that I am a renegade and there is truth in that. I hold on to that which I feel is pure but cannot embrace that which I question and find so complex that it keeps us away from our Heavenly Father and not closer. Heavy, huh? This getting old stuff may suck! Nah... I will just keep on dancing in my kitchen.

Goodbye would have been too late...

After my month of staying away from Facebook I have peered back in. Not so much has changed but my heart aches to learn of the passing of a friend in Texas. She has been on my mind for months and it was her FB page that clued me in that her health was declining as she always posted happy, cheerful posts about her girls, her "divas" she called them and then nothing. She was valiant and brave and fought like crazy to stay here for her family. I taught her little girl at church and she would often be sad, and draw pictures of "angels" to take to her Mom. She cried during one lesson and said she didn't want her Mommy to die and I was speechless. She asked the young child saying the closing prayer to remember her Mommy when they prayed. Now, she is really gone. I am glad we ran in to them in McDonalds and chatted over french fries shortly before we left Houston and talked about houses and school and ANYTHING but cancer. I am glad that in November I posted a note to her on her Facebook page that she was on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers. I know she got it because she "liked" it. Sounds silly, huh? I am sorry that two amazing, and strong beautiful little girls won't have this incredible lady to share their life with them. I know however that SHE made a powerful impact on the lives of so many people and her story will be one many will tell and share with them. They will keep her alive for Candy's "Divas". R.I.P. I feel blessed to have met you!